Sunday, July 15, 2012
Walking home tonight, rain finally comes but the humidity still doesn’t budge. It’s hard to breathe, but I am happy to be home for a few days, even in this heat, and with little time. I tell myself that if I get the big grant I applied for I can leave New York. I can leave America, too. But then I realize that I don’t know where to go until I meet the person I can go with. Until I have love because love is the home I’m really looking for. The real reason to leave this time. I can’t take off alone anymore because I’m not just waiting to leave, I’m waiting for someone to leave with. Someone to leave for. Someone to go to. Someone to stay with. This has not always been the case, as I’ve traveled my whole life, on long journeys, alone, and still go somewhere every year. Or maybe it has always been the case. Only where before I left to find something/someone, now I need to find someone/something in order to leave. This time I am running to stop. I think I’ve ended up with a loneliness most people start off with. Eventually it catches up with everyone. An astrologer tells me: “You do everything backwards.” I wonder what backwards is. I wonder what everything is.
“And everyone will say you’ve missed your chance.
But you go out in the night till you got no place to go
Something you ain’t doing right is haunting you at home.”