1. Double Pleasure (The Loss Of Loss)

    The object of love is a double. The lover doubles the lover. The double doubles over. You want me and you don’t. Everything that can happen doesn’t and everything that doesn’t does. Because you want me you don’t want me. This kind of ambivalence is a male chauvinist’s wet dream. Your rejection of me has always been a double of your desire for me.

    First you tried, then you blocked every effort, which was also an effort. You affirm, you negate. You follow and you leave. You stay and you go. What you say and what you don’t say. You circle and encircle. You cut off. You hover. You look away. You use the word, “never.” You scan the room for me. You stand next to me. You position your body next to mine, even when you don’t. Especially when you “don’t.” You look and never look. Your desire is always expressed as a pathological proximity. You are never not near me or around. I never wanted this, but was struck, then caught, in this Evental phenomenon and the truth it had to offer me, which I dropped into all the way. Down the rabbit hole.

    At the bar, drunk—all of us drunk—I collided with the scene like some return of the repressed, barging through the door and back into a room I’d already left for somewhere else, and you simulataneoulsy announced in front of everyone that I am “the object of your desire”—that you “like me”—after denying it completely the night before. But you also insisted that you have never missed me. In front of everyone, you admitted to wanting me. Alone with me, the night before, you denied it. You are open about your lies and secretive about your truths (“…the ceremonious tone in private. The intimate tone in front of everyone.” Rousseau in La Nouvelle Héloïse: Julie, or the New Eloise : Letters of Two Lovers, Inhabitants of a Small Town at the Foot of the Alps).

    You are two people. You shock me. You shock yourself. You go against your own grain. The logic of how you claimed to not feel about me. In your mind this is how you get to keep me and lose me. Have and never have me. Have and never have anything. Be and never be anyone. This is how you get to live with what you don’t want and without what you do want. And this is why I am now free. This is why this story is now over.